A to B to C
Verbatim "We Eat Our Words" Party
ProvidenceTHE DANCE OF YOUTH:
The sixteenth birthday is a rite of passage in the neuters (that is to say, the ones who are later to become neuters) in the natural history of the L'dicke family (except for one elder L'dicke, who as a middle-aged man experienced neutering much later than what is normally expected), especially among the subset of the L'dicke clan led by one Stumpy Ellsbottom III.
Stumpy s lost love was decidedly feminine. She loved to sing and do the Charleston. Therefore, in order to woo her, Stumpy had tried to learn the new dances.
It was directly before his sixteenth birthday, in fact, that he first laid his eyes on the girl and tried to win her over, a story which became the central myth of the entire family.
Speakeasies were surprisingly accessible to Stumpy, who (contrary to his name) was rather large and had the appearance of one far in advance of his age. It was on one of these first visits to the "dens of sin" (as his Momma referred to them); where he hoped to learn to dance that he had met the fascinating dentist. "A family of neuters, eh?" said the fascinating dentist. "Hell, why stop there? Let me pull out a few of your teeth. All grownups can stand to have a tooth pulled now and then."
Indeed, as of now, Stumpy has grown up.
The dentist did pull his teeth that day, and his nose was later removed, but he still kept his sex, and his love. The which united the two, the dentist and he, the sex and the love and the lure of Desire. The two couldn t part; they knew not what to do -- they consulted their grandfolk, their aunts and their uncles; they questioned their nieces about innocent love. But none of them aided them -- neither the Love Lore of the Old nor the Love Lore of the Young could show any guidance for middle-aged Stumpy & pal.
The affair was complicated, sadly, by the fact that the dentist was not only fascinating, but inordinately Sadistic. True, most dentists have a cruel streak, or are at the very least capable of inflicting pain without remorse, but this one truly had a conqueror s nature. The control of the conqueror over the one left sexed was devastating! How was Stumpy to escape clutches as dread, as gruesome, as those of the fascinating dentist? Unless (Stumpy furrows his brows)...unless some use could be made of the dentist s one love...the Marienbad cream-almond-orange pastilles!
Realizing there can be only one way to utilize the pastilles, post-op Stumpy became more and more a woman of the world.
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"Hey good buddy, thanks for the offer of some black water, but I got my buffalo riding shotgun with me today."
"He doesn t drink at the trough?"
"You know what they say about horses is more than true for buffalo, but..."
"...Hey there guy, how about a fairytale 'bout old Poppa Bear?"
"Alrighty: Once upon a time there was a naughty little girl named Golden Tattoo. One day she went for a walk downtown. She was walking along 42nd Street, and all of a sudden she cried out :Mercy! I just missed my short short! Rudy Giuliani appeared on the scene and Golden Tattoo offered him a choice trade for the inside scoop on what Lotto numbers to play." The Mayor declared "We be leavin you now, good buddy, and be passin along all those good numbers to you. "
"Yeah that sure sound like ol Poppa Bear to me! So how 'bout that black water then?"
"Well my buffalo don t much appreciate that -- he s kinda gourmet, ya see."
"Yeah I see, good buddy. But I got stuff for him too if he want -- from a nice mountain spring with moss grow n in it and not a drop of the black stuff. D'ya wanna try doin the drinkin to that fresh stuff?"
"Wait & see, lemme ask 'im....Affirmative, sir. Hand it on over!"
"Well here it is, pal."
"Thanks for that clean and green, good buddy. We re gonna be doin it to it in the fifty dollar lane."
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Blind and tails cut off with a carving knife makes drunken tough men weak like rats trapped on power lines and saying to each other "Oh yeah, well maybe I ll just come over there and rattle your cage," bumping into each other and staggering through joyous mobs crushed for the spectacle.
More facts of nature: All forest animals, to this very day, remember exactly where they were and what they were doing when they heard that Bambi s mother had been shot. Bambi s family, of course, was one of prestige, one protected. Others in society had it not so lucky, those dirty and common. For example:..."So, Mr. Pig -- you built that fire after you heard my client coming down your chimney!...Did you know my client is an endangered species, Mr. Pig, while you yourself are nothing more than a walking side of ham?"...The middle class, however, can bug out on vapid bumpersticker slogans like "Have a Nice Day."
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The arousing of thought, early in the morning, with no breakfast to look forward to -- with all the noise and horrible distracting sights and smells -- this was a difficult task for Beelzebub.
"Day in, day out, same damn routine, here on Planet Hell," B. groaned to his assistant. "Get me some coffee. My thoughts never arise until I get a nice piping hot --" and here B. paused. For he realized how much he had come to hate everything that was piping hot. It was time for a vacation -- a vacation to a more temperate planet, with abundant ski-slopes and yet full of the kind of evil that B. needed to find among his cohorts. "Prologue: Why Beelzebub was in our solar system", he decided to call the beginning of his quest. So he went to look for the solar system and the mysterious people who it belonged to. He started off to Utah, with this in mind. As he arrived, the radio announced: "This was the cause of delay in the falling of the Karnak." Beelzebub thought to himself. He thought about Karnak and how it had slipped slowly down below the horizon. Up ahead of his car, beyond the dark road and the distant city lights, Karnak s last rays were fading from view. Beelzebub wanted to know all about the stars, and all about theÁ way they sunk in the night sky. The law of falling was unknown to him at this time (God s natural laws not applying to the eternal B.). He was still following the system of Archangel Hariton. Hariton had cracked the system of perpetual motion. Funny enough, the secret lay in the assholes of chipmunks. Who would ve guessed? All that fervent skittering about had nothing to do with being a small rodent. Just look at groundhogs. They re quite sluggish, bordering of lethargic. No, chipmunks are so active because within their tiny sphincters is the eternal difference engine, and by understanding the nature of this perpetual motion phenomenon, you become aware of genuine Being!
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A diaphragm is a small, soft, latex cup with a flexible spring molded into the outer edge. It is used with a spermicidal cream or gel, and is inserted into the vagina. A diaphragm must be fitted to the individual woman and requires a prescráiption. This prescription must be obtained from a licensed physician, a doctor of love. Hopefully, this doctor is also fitted to the individual woman -- or rather, to her needs. The spermicidal cream will not injure the doctor, if he is used correctly. Likewise, used correctly, the diaphragm works in two ways. It functions as a physical barrier covering the cervix so that sperm cannot penetrate it. Second, the diaphragm holds the spermicide up against the cervix so that any sperm that do manage to get up around the rim are killed before they reach the cervical opening. Despite the Catholic Church s admonishments, this is a highly effective method of birth control. However, it is rendered useless if slippage occurs. For this reason we discourage the use of a diaphragm while engaging in any intense physical activity, such as dancing, gymnastics, or sexual intercourse. If used properly, according to officially approved, institutionally sanctioned methods, the diaphragm is ñ100% effective. Because women are different sizes inside, a diaphragm needs to be fitted by your health care provider who will try different sizes to see which ones fit you properly. One which is too large may be uncomfortable. One which is too small may slip out of place. The fit should be checked each year by pelvic examination. The diaphragm fit should also be checked after weight gain or loss of more than 10 pounds, after an abortion, miscarriage, and/or childbirth. A diaphragm should last approximately 2 years with proper care. Proper care does not include using the diaphragm as a bald cap, voodoo doll, drain stopper, or hot plate.
How do you use it?
If you decide to get a diaphragm, you will have a chance to practice putting it in and "taking it out" while you are still at the provider s office. YOU PUT IT IN, YOU TAKE IT OUT. I can t remember any more. When the buzzer goes off, it s ready for more spermicide. It s that simple.
You will be asked to return with your diaphragmò IN PLACE for a few days; the insertion and fit are rechecked for accuracy at that time, so REMEMBER TO BRING YOUR DIAPHRAGM!
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"For your exclusive pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, frogs, spiders, lily pads, webs, hornet s nests and rattlesnakes struts, do understand you are free to spread your tentacles over our leafy glorious land and fly, fly, being you all our good neighbors, you that are now in Cuba, you who so eloquently express the wondrous bounties of Nature. In all your glory, please beam upon this land as this land beams on you. Find it in all your hearts, large, small, or non-existent, to beautify and bountify that which you find here on this isla bonita. And tonight, yes tonight, there is one who will lead the way in the beautifying and bountifying -- Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight we are honored by one famous and lovely and talented guest: the gorgeous, beauteous famous film star, mad muasel, TONY-TONI-TONE! I have loved your work, beginning with "That Girl is Poison" and then "BBD -- West Coast Family", since I first stumbled across your...albums, no, no, ...TOMES. I thank you, thank you so much TONY-TONI-TONE! As they say in your language, 'Merci buttercups. "
"Why, thank you so much, Mr. Announcerman. I just popped in tonight to show off this giant rock my man Tone-Loc gave me. [WAVES RINGFINGER AT AUDIENCE] Y know, so pretty soon it ll be TONY-TONI-TONE 'n TONE-LOC -- TLC forevah! Keep living large, everybody."
"Less beautiful, but as rich and famous, is our very good friend and frequent guest of Tropicana, the wealthy and healthy (he is an early riser) MISTER WILLIAM CAMPBELL, the notorious soup fortune heir...."
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The world of wrestling left Caesar and Brutus speechless when they first checked it out when they visited Las Vegas, since they d never realized that was what they witnessed when they saw Romans in films. Of course, the Romans were never given the credit they deserved for their prowess. After all, they had to emulate the American style of wrestling, which so enthralled Caesar and Brutus without ever being able to see it, since they film they were in was the very first of cinematography in their village. This woeful fact is brought to light in the six-page spread by the writer on holiday.
Sick of the Romans, their wrestling, and those damn Caesar haircuts, the writer had set out on a Princess Cruise to the Gulf of Mexico. Aging starlets walked the deck, sunning their leathery shoulders and sipping ice tea. The writer liked to watch their paunchy husbands as he struggled over the draft of his wrestling expos, and the middle-aged millionaires guarded their hairpieces from the sea s mercurial gales. In this way, the 'Blue Blood cruise was a vessel of spent glory. The writer knew his days were numbered, and that last piece he did on professional wrestling got him a pile of rejection letters and 23 death threats. Still, deep down he knew his psychomythoanalysis of pro wrestling was something new and bold, but also something eternal and persistent. Damn Superfly Jimmy Snooka, and to hell with the rest of the dumb and blind criticism!
Nevertheless, the writer had had enough of the Princess liner and all its attendant luxury, and wanted to get back to his dingy apartment, with all its mundane comforts. He thought of his study, his typewriter. The shelf of books waiting to be read, and the peeling linoleum of the kitchen floor. Damn it, he even missed the daily washing, the grime, the soap powders and detergents. "This writer has had it up to here with luxury liners! Take me back to the world of the Proletariat!"
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Age four, playing with plastic animal figurines, Joey Baloney and I finally understood what "poes" were. We found the first one while fishing for clams with a small elephant. The poe latched on to the elephant s trunk, and when we pulled it out of the water it was pulsating open and closed rather wetly. At first we just watched the "poes"; it wasn t until much later that we started to interact with them, at the age of five. My friend and I would spend a good deal of time playing with our "poes." We would open the outer labia, put tiny smoothly rounded creek pebbles next to the clitorises, carefully close the labia and walk around for hours feeling too damned good!
Yeah, so anyways, that eventually got tiresome, so then Joey and I started going up to people in the street and asking them if they d seen any "dykes," "virgins," "johns" or "brutes" around. Our folks were always mentioning these people in conversation and we were determined to find out who they were and if we could join their clubs. We did this until we reached puberty, after which Joey went off to join the circus and I withdrew into the nether reaches of my room to ponder my own anatomy. Guess what occurred when I was thirteen or fourteen. My balls and cock were itching. I started scratching them and it felt like nothing I had ever experienced. I started rubbing myself harder. Pretty soon I was having an orgasm.
But my orgasms only got more intense when I got into a little light B&D. This too, I started at thirteen, and my earliest memory is of being caught by my mother -- I was lying on my stomach in the living room, and I told her I was "swimming". Indeed my motions were reminiscent of a crawl or a breaststroke as I inched across the floor. Dear Mama never suspected a thing. Even my orgasmic wails she put down to mere youthful exuberance. Exuberant -- hell, I was legendary for climbing the walls, trees, boulders and ladders. Anything I could shimmy up. In fact, when I was six, I remember climbing the "No Parking" sign pole outside our house over and over. I don t know if it did anything for the pole, but it sure got me off. That pole made me shift into fifth gear right quick -- good thing I did this every day while my Father was praying in the den at the back of the house. I grew up in a very strict household -- our only toys were those plastic animal figurines, and my mother made us kids wear long nightgowns and underwear. So when I felt sexual, I would take off my clothes under the bedding and just lie there feeling naked and nasty (we re Catholic).